It has been over a month since the last time I have written, and it has certainly not been due to a lack of content. As I progress to the last quarter of my chemotherapy treatments, the side effects become exaggerated. A subtle fog creeps over my mind as the potent poison not only attacks the cancer but nerves throughout my body, including in my brain. You may notice during conversation with me a pause… as words, numbers, thoughts and even names drift into the fog becoming difficult for me to visualize and then in turn annunciate before the meaning is lost. It is truly a very aggravating feeling, being quick witted as many of you may know from my numerous attempts at sarcasm or humor over the years is a pretty large part of what makes me, well I guess, me.
With each chemo cycle becoming more difficult, I have noticed that the slope of this race has gradually increased and that the finish line lies at the top of a hill. The hill at times can look mountainous, especially as I think of what follows my last scheduled cycle of chemotherapy. Twenty six days of radiation therapy combined with chemotherapy. That means Monday through Friday for 6 weeks straight I will be wearing my extremely uncomfortable 5-FU chemotherapy pump, while also being administered daily doses of radiation in the hospital. No more 12 day breaks, just a month and a half of what in mind seems like hell on earth. It can be, it is, at times overwhelming, but there are no more tears left to vent the frustration, only a burning acid remains. What can one do when crying only brings you more pain? My answer, unchanged, unwavering, keep trudging forward.
When at wits end, perspective is a valuable tool. The terrifying mountain before me shrinks to the figurative mole hill compared to my treatment at its entirety and of my accomplishments so far. A year of pain, seems insignificant if it can grant many years of beautiful, loving, feeling, life. And most of all, the fear of treatment and nauseating nightmares that follow are whisked away by day dreams of white sand beaches, winter weddings and growing old with my beautiful bride to be.
Often people ask me how I do it? How do I stay positive and keep moving forward with my treatment. My answer as I have said before is you… All of you here, reading, praying, loving, filling me with energy are the reasons why and how I do it. Because I look forward to experiencing the rest of my life with you and the beautiful memories we will make together. So as the finish line approaches, I trudge forward… up hill… to slay the evil beast once and for all.
p.s. I would like to dedicate this blog to my dear friend Tamara. She is the definition of a cancer survivor and fighting one of the hardest fought battles I have ever seen. She is without a doubt one of the strongest people I have ever known and is also the first person to show me how to be strong and persevere against this stupid disease. She has surgery on the 29th to kick some cancer ass. So I ask you please to include her in your thoughts, prayers and send any positive energy her way. Thanks for showing me how to be strong tamtam, love you!